What Are the Causes of Infidelity?

Cheating is a reaction to the inadequate fulfillment of one or more basic psychological needs. But are those the causes of infidelity?

The four basic psychological needs are attachment, control, pleasure and self-esteem or recognition. Attachment to the partner means the desire for security, which varies from person to person depending on childhood experiences. Control refers to autonomy and security in the partnership, which need their own space and should also be mutually respected. With pleasure, sex isn't the only important thing; so is meeting social needs such as love, communication and shared activities. Last but not least, partners should recognize and motivate each other instead of constantly correcting. As soon as one of these basic needs is missing in a relationship, a feeling of unease can arise that can tempt someone to cheat. In most cases, men try to satisfy their needs for self-esteem and sex. By contrast, most women try to satisfy their longing for attachment, recognition and emotional attention. Consequently, cheating is a free decision made by the unfaithful, insecure and mostly dissatisfied partner.

Causes of infidelity - How it happens

Cheated, now what? On average, 31% of women and 28% of men in Germany ask themselves this question after cheating. Interestingly, women have caught up with men over the past decades, especially in the last 10 years. This development is probably due to growing female emancipation. While men are guided by physical impulses in most cases, women are after the satisfaction of emotional needs. So it is no surprise that most unfaithful men gave "curiosity and sex" as their reason. More than half of the unfaithful women gave as their reason that they were unhappy in their relationship. Another reason given by women is that they had received too little attention in their partnership.

Infidelity by age
Age Men Women
18 to 29 25% 23%
30 to 39 25% 39%
40 to 49 27% 32%
50 to 59 29% 29%
60 to 69 33% 30%
Average 28% 31%

Causes of infidelity - Cheated, now what?

Cheated, now what? By then it is usually already too late. As soon as the betrayed partner gets wind of it, several very painful feelings usually arise, such as helplessness, anger, humiliation and pain. First, both parties need distance and time for themselves to understand and process what happened. Afterwards, the betrayed partner can reflect and ask themselves the following questions. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? He/she cheated, now what? How important is this relationship to me? If neither party wants to separate, couples therapy can help the partnership. But a relationship is like a piece of paper: once it's crumpled, it never becomes quite the same as before.