A quite common phenomenon when searching for the right partner is the inability to commit. Commitment issues are everywhere.

Often, right when we first meet a potential candidate, we hear the line: "I'm just not cut out for a relationship" or "I'm not a relationship person." To us, that's simply a sign of commitment issues. But what exactly is behind this phenomenon? Does it really exist?

Commitment issues

Defining commitment issues

The problems seem to start once you've found a partner. Instead of spending the evening together, you'd rather go out with friends. Letting someone get close is out of the question. Or the exact opposite happens: your goal is to spend every free second with your new partner, while the other person seems to pull away more and more. Once again, your new relationship is doomed.
Broadly speaking, there are two different attachment types. On one side are the freedom-lovers, and on the other the so-called clingers. The former run away very quickly, while with the latter it's usually the partner who flees from too much closeness. Of course, that doesn't mean you're incapable of a relationship. That's why psychologists in particular keep criticizing the term, because it simply doesn't exist as far as the human psyche is concerned. Every one of us, man or woman, has the need for attachment and love built in.

The subconscious choice of commitment issues

When it comes to a relationship that works, being able to and wanting to are two different aspects:

Commitment issues
  • A long-term relationship takes not only mutual love but also trust and the ability to open up to one another. The main reason for failure here is often fear.
  • Being unable to enter a relationship is often the result of fear of commitment or fear of too much closeness. Only very rarely is the decision to stay out of a relationship a conscious one.
  • One possible reason for these fears can lie in your own childhood. Children of divorced parents often carry an unconscious fear of commitment.

Signs of commitment issues

Regardless of which generation you belong to, according to researchers 30 to 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment style. Commitment issues are everywhere.

There can be many different reasons why a long-term relationship just won't work out. Here are some of the triggers:

  • Fear of commitment: As soon as obligations begin in a relationship, people split up, even if they loved the relationship at the start.
  • Low self-esteem: Out of fear of not being lovable enough or of not being able to hold on to the partner anyway, we withdraw more and more.
  • Personality issues: Before their partner gets to know their quirks, idiosyncrasies and above all their sore spot, these people would rather say goodbye early.
  • Fear of loss: The fear of losing your partner can also stand in the way of a committed relationship. Following the motto: better alone than abandoned.
  • Fear of expectations: Expectations of a partnership that are too high can be a reason for an early failure. So can the fear that your partner has too high expectations of you.
  • Too much pressure: Here the failure may be down to too much pressure to finally find the right partner for life. In the process, you often end up with the wrong partner too quickly.
  • Fear of losing independence: Here the fear of losing autonomy is great. Compromise is a foreign word.
  • Social convention: The mindset that you're only worth something with a partner throws many into an unhappy love.